Such a cute video! Love the ending with the janitor dancing and the story behind it. Apparently he’s been working there most of his life and has numerous experiences with loved ones having breast cancer. His dance is totally originally! All the others are choreographed.
I was so totally depressed yesterday but today I’m over feeling sorry for myself. Just like I expected. I actually had an awesome day with the boy and his enormous family. No more hard knock life for me just some Jay Z. And a Jay Z song was on and a Jay Z song was on.
Today marks the 5th anniversary of finding out that my mom had lung cancer. As I was sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner away from my family in the Caribbean in 2004 my grandmother called to tell me my mom was in the hospital and after doing some tests the doctors said she had lung cancer. Then we ate dinner and I told no one. But I thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it. Because what else was there to do? I decided that she would be OK. I flew home the next day on one of those medical emergency tickets. By the time I reached Houston the doctors told us that the cancer had metastasized to her adrenal glands, liver, was wrapped around her spinal cord and in her brain. What could I do? So I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. I stayed with her during the night as she was drugged up on a cocktail of pain meds and hallucinated. She would fight with me and ask me why I was hurting her and making her stay in the hospital. Then I had to go home and work back in the Caribbean where it’s fun and everyone is happy but I wasn’t. How could I be? There was nothing I could do. So I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. I thought of how we could save her, I thought of all the memories good and bad I had with her and I thought about how when she died we would never have any memories ever again.
Grandma called me and told me I had to come home because the doctors said she was going to die. So I flew home and sat alone with my mom in her hospice room on Christmas Eve and watched It’s a Wonderful Life, her favorite movie. Ironic I know.
The next day she died. On Christmas day.
So forgive me for being selfish and hating Christmas music and not wanting to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I know it’s depressing and if I could make it sound any less depressing I would love to know how because I have no idea how to ever love this season again. Every year this story is all that I think about. The holidays are ruined for me and I’m afraid it will be forever. Don’t tell me to go volunteer somewhere for people less fortunate than me because I will still think about it and be sad. Don’t tell me to be grateful for what I have. Who said I wasn’t? Just know I hate Thanksgiving and Christmas and no matter how much cajoling you do I will still hate it. It doesn’t mean I’m an unhappy and depressed person all the time. Just the days of Christmas and Thanksgiving. After those days are over, oddly, I’m fine. Sorry for sounding so depressing. I just really had to get that off my chest.
(thanks to PrincessFroglips for the image)
The past week has been super stressful for me and I’m kind of at a loss of what to do from here. I got my third midterm back in Biology and unless something incredible happens like making a 120 on my final I’m ending the semester with a B. Old Jerri would have been fine with that but I’m not OK with that now. I’m never, never, never going to get into medical school with B’s. It’s just how it works. People with B’s don’t get into medical school. Then what will I do?
I’m not going to give up, of course. So I guess I’m really just here to complain about how inadequate I feel and how maybe I think I’m capable of doing a lot more than I really can. Worse than all of that is how I get so down on myself when things get hard. Why can’t I just be one of those people who presses on and never waivers or questions themselves? And if this is how I feel after only one semester of pre-med work how am I going to feel if by some act of God I do manage to get into medical school and start having REALLY hard work?
Becoming a doctor is my dream. I honestly can’t think of anything else I would rather do. The only other real dream I’ve ever had for myself was to travel the world which I did. But seriously, how hard is it to buy a ticket and travel? This is HARD. Hard. Hard.
My self-destructive thought process usually starts with me thinking about how I’ve made a mistake by going back to school but usually my reasoning leads me back to thinking that pursuing a dream is never a mistake. So here’s what’s going to happen if I do not make it into med school the first time. I’m going to get my master’s in public health and I’m going to apply again and again and again until I get in. And that’s that.
Sorry that these days I’m just posting my favorite videos. I’m sure that talking about Chemistry would be pretty boring. So, hey, listen to my favorite song of the moment!
I want to crawl back inside my mother’s womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that I think of you
So life moves slowly when you’re waiting for it to boil
Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you
But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise -
Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world
I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I’ll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you
But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise -
Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world
It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore
It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore
Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world
I’ve gotten through two weeks of classes and have loved every minute of it! Going back to school to pursue medical school has been hands-down the best decision I’ve ever made!
It’s been really, really hard. After sitting through all my classes on the first day I quickly realized that I hadn’t had any formal schooling in Calculus, Chemistry or Biology in more than 10 years! It’s ok though. I’ll catch up. I don’t care what it takes.
P.S. I made a 100 on my first Chemistry homework!! (it only took me five times to get it right) :0)
(Photo from r.j.wagnerr on flickr. thanks!)
This is my last week working at my current job as Social Media Coordinator at the race park. Starting Monday my life is about to completely change. On Monday at 10 am, I have a Calculus class, at 11 am I have Chemistry and at 1 pm I have Biology. Tuesday and Thursday I have labs. I haven’t been in school in 6 years and when I was I was a business major. The only science class I took was Biology study abroad in Australia. Like scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef is hard. Pfft. I’m scared.
I’m changing my life 100%: quitting marketing as a career to go back to school on the incredible slim chance that I could actually get into medical school, going back to school full time, moving out of my too expensive apartment and I’m engaged.
Deciding to go back to school has been on my mind since 2004 when my mom died. I felt so hopeless sitting there in the Hospice room not being able to do anything. Not that I could’ve even if I was a doctor. But I made a decision the very day my mom died that I would go back to school and study medicine. I’ve been sidetracked a few times, gotten off the path and sometimes just plain forgotten about my goal but I never really have given up on the dream. Maybe it’s just a unreachable dream, but I’ll never know unless I try.
Getting into medical school is hard. Medical school is extemely hard. Residency is hard. Actually, it’s never going to be easy again and I don’t care. I can’t feel regret anymore. It’s now or never. I have to do it. In ten years, I’ll either be 38 and a doctor or 38 and not a doctor. Either way, I’ll be 38 and I don’t want to wonder “what-if?”
Now, I don’t think I’m uniquely smart. In fact, some days I’m amazed at how dumb I can be. I’m not the hardest worker, or the fastest and I definitely don’t sleep the least amount of hours, but I guarantee I’m the most persistent. That doesn’t mean I don’t fail. Ohhhhh no. I fail more than anyone else I know. In fact, I’d say I’m constantly setting myself up for failure. This time may be another set up. Part of me, actually most of me, kinda thinks I’ll fail. But another part of me thinks that I have no choice but to succeed. I worry about people seeing me as a failure. I worry that people will see what I’m trying to do and laugh. Why do I even care? I don’t know.
For me, there is no going back. I like working in marketing, internet marketing, social media but I don’t really feel like it’s where I’m supposed to be. I don’t feel like I’m in my element. I see other people who are doing great things that I really admire in my field and I just know that no matter what, I’ll never be there. I just don’t have the passion for it like I thought I would. In the morning, I don’t look forward to going to work. In fact, I try to think of every excuse not to go. That’s really no way to live. Sometimes I look at the people I have worked with or my managers that one day I might have their position and think, “Wow, I really, really don’t want to be there.” Most of the people I work with are wonderful, amazing and admirable people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want their life. I especially don’t want their job. Most of that time I just think that I really really don’t want to be where they are. Maybe being a doctor isn’t where I’ll want to be either, but I need to find out.
I know that more than anything else I love helping people. Health is majorly important to me. There are more reasons why I feel like I should be a doctor, but I don’t really want to go into it here. All I can say is, I can care less how much money I make or how prestegious it sounds. I really just want to help people.
To say I’m terrified is the understatement of the year, but I’m not going to let that fear stop me. The other day I read this quote from Anna Quindlen that I think sums up what I’m doing rather well:
“So often the things we do out of fearlessness-saying, ‘You know what? I don’t care. I’m gonna take that leap.’ Those are the great success.”
There are some other great quotes that probably apply here too. Let’s see. How about?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao-tzu
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” -Pablo Picasso
“The fear of being laughed at makes cowards of us all.” – Mignon McLaughlin
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” -Robert F. Kennedy
“What is more mortifying than to feel you’ve missed the Plum for want of courage to shake the Tree?” -Logan Pearsall Smith
“You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -Wayne Gretzky
“What is to give light must endure burning.” – Viktor Frankle (my favorite)
OK. Here I go. I’m going to hold my nose, close my eyes and jump off that cliff.