This is my last week working at my current job as Social Media Coordinator at the race park. Starting Monday my life is about to completely change. On Monday at 10 am, I have a Calculus class, at 11 am I have Chemistry and at 1 pm I have Biology. Tuesday and Thursday I have labs. I haven’t been in school in 6 years and when I was I was a business major. The only science class I took was Biology study abroad in Australia. Like scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef is hard. Pfft. I’m scared.
I’m changing my life 100%: quitting marketing as a career to go back to school on the incredible slim chance that I could actually get into medical school, going back to school full time, moving out of my too expensive apartment and I’m engaged.
Deciding to go back to school has been on my mind since 2004 when my mom died. I felt so hopeless sitting there in the Hospice room not being able to do anything. Not that I could’ve even if I was a doctor. But I made a decision the very day my mom died that I would go back to school and study medicine. I’ve been sidetracked a few times, gotten off the path and sometimes just plain forgotten about my goal but I never really have given up on the dream. Maybe it’s just a unreachable dream, but I’ll never know unless I try.
Getting into medical school is hard. Medical school is extemely hard. Residency is hard. Actually, it’s never going to be easy again and I don’t care. I can’t feel regret anymore. It’s now or never. I have to do it. In ten years, I’ll either be 38 and a doctor or 38 and not a doctor. Either way, I’ll be 38 and I don’t want to wonder “what-if?”
Now, I don’t think I’m uniquely smart. In fact, some days I’m amazed at how dumb I can be. I’m not the hardest worker, or the fastest and I definitely don’t sleep the least amount of hours, but I guarantee I’m the most persistent. That doesn’t mean I don’t fail. Ohhhhh no. I fail more than anyone else I know. In fact, I’d say I’m constantly setting myself up for failure. This time may be another set up. Part of me, actually most of me, kinda thinks I’ll fail. But another part of me thinks that I have no choice but to succeed. I worry about people seeing me as a failure. I worry that people will see what I’m trying to do and laugh. Why do I even care? I don’t know.
For me, there is no going back. I like working in marketing, internet marketing, social media but I don’t really feel like it’s where I’m supposed to be. I don’t feel like I’m in my element. I see other people who are doing great things that I really admire in my field and I just know that no matter what, I’ll never be there. I just don’t have the passion for it like I thought I would. In the morning, I don’t look forward to going to work. In fact, I try to think of every excuse not to go. That’s really no way to live. Sometimes I look at the people I have worked with or my managers that one day I might have their position and think, “Wow, I really, really don’t want to be there.” Most of the people I work with are wonderful, amazing and admirable people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want their life. I especially don’t want their job. Most of that time I just think that I really really don’t want to be where they are. Maybe being a doctor isn’t where I’ll want to be either, but I need to find out.
I know that more than anything else I love helping people. Health is majorly important to me. There are more reasons why I feel like I should be a doctor, but I don’t really want to go into it here. All I can say is, I can care less how much money I make or how prestegious it sounds. I really just want to help people.
To say I’m terrified is the understatement of the year, but I’m not going to let that fear stop me. The other day I read this quote from Anna Quindlen that I think sums up what I’m doing rather well:
“So often the things we do out of fearlessness-saying, ‘You know what? I don’t care. I’m gonna take that leap.’ Those are the great success.”
There are some other great quotes that probably apply here too. Let’s see. How about?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao-tzu
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” -Pablo Picasso
“The fear of being laughed at makes cowards of us all.” – Mignon McLaughlin
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” -Robert F. Kennedy
“What is more mortifying than to feel you’ve missed the Plum for want of courage to shake the Tree?” -Logan Pearsall Smith
“You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -Wayne Gretzky
“What is to give light must endure burning.” – Viktor Frankle (my favorite)
OK. Here I go. I’m going to hold my nose, close my eyes and jump off that cliff.
I’ve gotten through two weeks of classes and have loved every minute of it! Going back to school to pursue medical school has been hands-down the best decision I’ve ever made!
